Holy shit, people are actually buying my book again

It was at the airport in Gimhae, a suburb of Busan, the second city of South Korea…

Teakettle Mountain, the story of one loser English teacher’s quest to not be a loser, has been re-released, and now comes with a brand-new cover as well as almost two hundred stunningly gorgeous pages of Flaubert-quality prose!

(Don’t believe that last claim? Read the first line of Salammbo! Don’t know who Flaubert is? Then God help you!)

Ladies and gentleducks, I have a confession to make. My book, which is the definitive text on the English teacher’s experience in South Korea—much as Moby Dick is the definitive text on the New England whalers of the 19th century—has been languishing on amazon.com for the better part of a year. I truly believed the book was as funny, moving, grotesque, and gorgeous, as any modern classic, but after racking my brains like the harshest Spanish Inquisitor you could ask for I still couldn’t figure out how to get “you guys out there”—meaning the seven billion humans who now inhabit this Earth—to read it.

I read a book called APE, and its marketing techniques left me unconvinced, as they relied on social media to “get the word out”—a soul-crushing tactic I had already tried, with weak results. Actually, after I published my first slew of ebooks, and after maybe five out of five hundred facebook friends went through the trouble of buying them, I asked myself why I was on facebook in the first place—if this website can’t sell my books, then what is it good for? And so, for that reason, as well as numerous others (facebook is evil, facebook is creepy, facebook is a pointless neverending rat-race), I left, and then, by a stroke of very good fortune, went back to APE, and found an excellent review on amazon.com that mentioned Michael Alvear’s Make a Killing on Kindle.

I read the book, implemented almost all of its recommendations, and now my long-languished text is being purchased again. Thank you, Michael Alvear. I thought my failure on amazon.com was due to being a poor writer; now I see that it was only my marketing-fu to blame, because I woke up this morning less than twelve hours after all my republishing was finished and found that purchases were being made. I gave thanks to the holy gods for such gifts, but Michael Alvear is the one who really made a difference.